Off. Way Off.

There is being off plan, and then there is eating every mince pie in sight. This week, I am unfortunately the latter. I think it must be star week approaching, because I have eaten everything I can get my hands on with complete disregard for whether or not it was on plan.


This is appalling. I am stringer than this. Food does not control me. I fully intend to get right back on plan as of tomorrow (I have already ruined it for today). I am still giving myself Christmas Day off, but other than that I will be fully in SW mode.


Today is the last day at work before Christmas. I still don't have all my gifts purchased/ picked up. That makes me stressed. I think that I will take lifestyle hour today and ensure that I can get it all done. Dad also commented that we haven't found time this year to do our annual shopping trip for Mum's present. This is largely due to the fact that he ordered her present online this year, but I have asked if he would like to go for a hot chocolate in the village with us kids instead and that seems to have perked him up. With my Sister getting engaged and having moved out, I have a feeling he is feeling like our family traditions are waning.

Food Diary

I was amazed to have lost 3lb last week. I certainly did not deserve to. I have been skipping meals and binging. I pretty much ate my body weight in tapas and I have had cocktail sausages and miniature yule logs. I had pretty much given up on the diet this week. I cheekily weighed myself on my friend's scales before going to group last night, and those scales said that I had put on 1/2lb so I was prepared for the worst. They could have knocked me down with a feather when they told me I had lost 3lb- I could swear there must be something wrong with their scales.

Having said that, I think I dodged a bullet this week. I therefore intend to get back into doing my food diary this week. No more guessing syns. No more having 2 healthy B's and pretending I have been good. No more skipping meals. Sticking to plan. I am 3lb off my 2 stone award and I would be thrilled to get there before Christmas. I'm going for it! Next weigh in is on Christmas Eve, so I do need to be careful. I need to make sure that I am being good.

Several people have warned me not to go 'too low'. Not to 'lose too much weight'. I have no idea why they are saying this. Do they realise that I have lost 25lb but I still have 54lb to lose to get to target? Then I need to decide if I am happy at that weight! Silly people. I am a very long way off being the size I should be. I wouldn't suit being skin and bone, but why should I not suit being slim, trim and healthy? Why should I not be allowed to shop where everyone else does? Why should I have to feel like a blimp on my sister's wedding day? The answer: I shouldn't have to. I can be whoever I want to be and I have chosen to be slim.

Date

I went on a date last night. I have to say, it felt really nice to be dressed nicely and to feel fairly confident. It made such a difference. I wore a dress, heels and very sheer tights with a seam up the back. I know it's only a stone and a half, but when I notice things like that it makes me really happy. I felt confident walking into the bar and that's all I want. To like myself enough to allow others to like me too.


This morning, I was feeling so confident that I tried on an office dress which I purchased when I was about 19 years old. It has never been worn as I put on too much weight pretty soon after buying it and it has just been hung in my wardrobe looking sad and reminding me that I am a failure. It fits. And it looks fantastic. I am utterly thrilled and am wearing it to work.


'tis the season of joy and I am brimming with it. I wish I could spread some to my friends who all seem to be going through a tough time at the moment.

Club 10

Well after a week of being naughty, eating far too many crepe susettes and doing no exercise, I was expecting to have gained 2lb this week. No such nonsense.

I lost 1lb and got my club 10! This means that I have lost 10% of my body weight. This has amazing health benefits, particularly if I can keep it off or lose even more over the next 10 weeks, which I have no doubt that I will do. I will then get a free week if I manage it.

I have attached a photo of my club 10 certificate, and all the stickers on the back of my book. It is such an amazing feeling. Now to work towards my next interim target!

Swimming Costume

Day 2 of our holiday.

Today I wore a swimming costume. it felt different. I usually have a bridge of material under my tummy, so that my costume doesn't actually touch my skin there. Today, my costume was fitted to me including there. It was very odd.

Hope that I have managed to get a bit of a tan today. After a day at the beach followed by a jacuzzi/ hot tub overlooking the sea; I'm now drying off by the pool. Will check my tan after  a shower. My friend is super bronze already.

Such luxury here. Loving it. So relaxed.

Sunshine

Well here I am in Lanzarote. One and a half stone lighter. I'm currently sat by the pool in a bikini and although I don't yet have a bikini body I am not hiding away.

Trying to make sensible meal choices and drinking plenty of water.

One and a Half Stone

Apologies for not having blogged in so long. Everything has been so hectic. It has meant that I have been eating out most nights and have had to just make sure that I make good choices. As such, I was not expecting a particularly good loss and would have been quite pleased to have maintained.

I graduated from university this week (postgrad) which involved a posh dinner out and I indulged, having a rather decadent pudding. I have also been working from another city all week which has kept me on my toes and very busy.

So I went along to a different group, which was rather odd. There weren't many people there and the consultant, although lovely, was a little annoying. I stepped on the scales and was amazed to discover that I have lost 4 1/2lb this week! How that happened, I have no idea! During image therapy, I made it clear that I didn't think that I deserved to have lost so much but I am certainly not complaining.

This meant that I hit 1 1/2 stone on the nose and also got the award of slimmer of the week! I wish I had been there with my friend who also lost 4 1/2lb.

Yet again I don't feel as if I am slimmer; although my friend's Mum noticed at graduation and it was very kind of her to say so. What I have noticed, however, is that I am taking a little more pride in how I look. I am putting my hair into curlers, putting makeup on properly and making sure that my work clothes look good before I go out. I have even purchased a new fluffy hat!

All in all, everything is positive. However, I am off to Lanzarote on Monday and I am so nervous about putting on weight. I want to enjoy myself, but I also really want to reach Club 10, which is only 2lb away. I am really hoping that I can up my body magic whilst I am away with swimming and walking, and make sensible dinner decisions. However, it is the ice creams etc. that concern me. I a also hoping that going on holiday with my very slim friend will make me want it even more and keep me on track. Fingers crossed. I'll let you know how it goes when I get back. I wonder if a tan weighs more than being milk-bottle white? hehe.

I don't think that I have ever lost so much weight on a diet or stuck to it for so long. I realise that some people have been doing this diet for years and so my short time pales in comparison; but I am genuinely proud of myself and I love feeling better about myself.

Doomed, Doomed!

After my slip up earlier this week, I am concerned that my weigh-in (in just over an hour's time) will be a maintain or put-on. I would be ever so sad if it was, but I know what I would do to turn it around. I have not been keeping a diary properly this week as they didn't have any spare at group last week. I have relied on my memory too much and this needs to change.


I also need the normal muller lights, rather than the greek style ones which are not fat free and which are actually syned.


I also need to make sure that I am eating enough speedy foods.

I am still going to go to group tonight though and face up to all the syns I ate on Friday and Saturday. Wish me luck!

Off Plan

I don't know why- but I have been off-plan since Friday. I got back on plan last night and have been on plan today. I just hope that it hasn't ruined my chance of a loss this week.


I haven't been completely atrocious, but I have certainly not been good. I need to motivate myself. The idea of getting to group on Thursday and finding out that I have put weight on is horrifying.


I have to draw a line under it and get back on plan. Face up to the results, whatever they might be.

1 stone

The best things in life are free (or Speedy). Last night I got my 1 stone award, having lost 4 1/2lb! To say I am over the moon would be an enormous understatement. I received my second sticker for my book, this 1 stone certificate and a glass pebble (representing 1 stone) to keep and not to give back.

I am quickly coming to the conclusion that Thursdays are my favourite day of the week. I get to see my lovely friend and spend the night at her place, we go to slimming world together, I get that happy feeling of having lost weight AND we cook together which is so much fun as it means that I get to try things I wouldn't normally have the opportunity to. Her boyfriend cooked an amazing tomato and roasted pumpkin risotto last night. It was scrumptious. When I cook for her, I also feel like I am helping out which is super (though not particularly altruistic).

Yesterday was a particularly good Thursday, as I was offered a mini-pupillage at a prestigious chambers in London. This makes me very happy, and determined that I will be in a nice sharp new suit and looking trim by the time it comes around next year.

I'm entering the weekend feeling incredibly positive.

Forgetful

When people ask me how much I have lost, I keep accidentally telling them 7 1/2lb. Something in my brain doesn't quite believe it is 11 1/2lb (potentially more- we'll see tonight). I went to the doctor's last night and she weighed me and commented that I had lost more than a stone since I last saw her- that felt good. Today, I am wearing a dress which is, admittedly, tight, however I was unable to do up the zip before I started this diet. I can't wait for my clothes to be hanging off me!

A Whole New Hole

I haven't been keeping up to date with my blog but I am sticking to the diet.


I had 16.5 syns on Sunday, predominantly made up of one cherry scone with butter (which is a family tradition on Armistice day). However, I made up for it on Monday with 0 syns and was really good yesterday. I even had pudding (but only the tiniest sliver) and syned it and was well within my syns. I think the trick is to keep meals as low-syn as possible, so that I can enjoy my syns with treats when I want to.


This morning, I had to make a new hole in my belt, which is about 2 1/2 inches away from where I was wearing it previously. Thrilled doesn't even cover it. 2 1/2 inches may not sound much to you, but to me it is a sign that I am winning this battle against the bulge.


My week has been jam packed full of speedy foods and I have high hopes that tomorrow I will lose that 2 1/2lb (to go with my 2 1/2 inches), and get my 1 stone award. Fingers crossed!

Court

It's been a very busy week so far. I have been running in and out of Court like a maniac. I am trying to keep up with my barrister applications and I have two weeks off work coming up, so I need to get all my files in order before that kicks off. I only have 2 weeks left to get it sorted! The 45 minute drive to and from work, and the 30 minute walk to and from my car every day are really helpful for getting some fresh air and getting my head in the right place, but I am struggling with sleep deprivation at the moment.


Enough moaning.


Today is weigh day. I dread to think what the scales will make of my busy week but I know that I am back on track now so I am thinking positively.

Surprise Success

It was weigh day again last night. I did not have particularly high hopes after my Chinese takeaway sabotage. However, I managed to lose 3lb! I am astonished!


My friend lost 5lb in her first week and my colleague lost 2lb, taking her below target. I'm really proud of all of us. Updating my weight journal is so exciting! I can't believe I have lost 10 1/2lb in 3 weeks! Maybe I will be a pretty bridesmaid after all...

Guilty

I hereby confess that I am guilty of eating a Chinese takeaway. I didn't really want it, but I was at a friend's house last night and it was an ease thing. I felt guilt with every mouthful, but I was also really hungry. I tried to make sure I ordered something fairly low in points, but of course all of them are really high. I had plenty of rice and left as much of the sauce as I could. There was nothing 'speedy' about it. It didn't taste great. I felt remorseful eating it and I didn't feel like I'd had a good, nutritious meal. It was literally something to fill my rumbling tummy. I hated myself and I found it really difficult to fall asleep last night, thinking about how it could have affected my progress.


It's very difficult when you have slim/ trim friends. They don't really have to think about what they are eating. I, on the other hand, need to think about every mouthful. Then again, she can eat tiny portions and be full. I need to eat a lot more to satisfy my hunger. I feel like a great big blob of lard.


I hope it doesn't show too badly on the scales tomorrow. I feel rubbish today and I am pretty sure the takeaway is the reason. It is the first time that I have been off-plan. I had 17 syns yesterday. It won't happen again.


I have home made soup for lunch today. I have fruit and 0% fat yoghurts for snacks. I feel really down.

Noticing Changes

It has occurred to me over the last couple of days that there have been some changes in my body since I started this diet.


The first, and most noticeable for me, is that my Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) has improved significantly. This is encouraging as it hopefully means that I am getting the right nutrients in my diet. I think my IBS is triggered by fatty foods and, of course, there is now very little fat in my diet.


Secondly, I am noticing that my rib cage has lost a bit of fat. Hooray!


Lastly, I am noticing that my skin is getting clearer. This is most welcome news and has even been commented upon by a few people.


I feel like I could take on the world and win today. Despite walking to work in torrential rain, my new waterproofs did me proud and I stepped it out. I do need a waterproof backpack and a pair of gloves though.

Tools

Sticking to plan comes naturally when you know how. I went out shopping with my friend this morning. I came back with all sorts of wet weather gear to allow me to keep active through the winter. I am refusing to buy any clothes until I need new ones due to weight loss.

We went for a carvery after that. Sounds like a dieter's worst nightmare, right? Wrong. I have been given the tools to deal with such a situation. I had meat (I cut off all the visible fat and counted syns for the fat it had been cooked in). I refused a yorkshire pudding (something I have never previously done). I had one roast potato and syned it. I had one roast parsnip and syned it. I had green beans (free), carrots (free), peas (free), red cabbage (free), the teeniest bit of stuffing you have ever seen (syned) and a delicate drizzling of gravy (syned). It was delicious. I felt in control and did not get over-full. You really can eat like this on slimming world and still lose weight. You just have to make the right choices. I am really pleased.

Whilst in town, I also got my halloween outfit. Exciting times :-)

1/2 Stone

I lost 2lb last week, taking my total to 7 1/2lb. Thrilled. Another 2lb next week, please!

Positivity

Today is weigh in day. Despite not eating enough 'speedy' foods, I have high hopes. My Mum lost 3lb this week (despite the scales at home telling her that she had lost 1lb). Well, the scales at home told me this morning that I have lost 1lb, so I have my fingers tightly crossed for tonight!


I am very concerned about my friend. She is going through a very difficult time at the moment and I am doing my best to support her but I'm pretty sure it's not making a difference, which is understandable. I am going to make a concerted effort to spend more quality time with her, and helping her out so that she can get the most out of her studies. I don't want this diet to be all-consuming and have me focussing on myself too much. I care deeply about my friends and all I want is for them to be happy. I have been through so much with this particular friend. She has been ever-so selfless all through my studies (which took forever!), now it's my turn to show her how much she means to me.


I am going to go and play netball on Friday evening for some good 'Body Magic', after a very long day at work. That should be fun! I am also going to go shopping in town on Saturday, and then for a walk on the moors for some more 'Body Magic'. I am then going to go to the Harvester. I have been looking at the menu and can see a few options, which is really good. It's all about that salad bar for my Speedy foods!


Annoyingly, I received a letter from work yesterday, notifying me that I had been mapped on the 'Career Framework' as a Junior Legal Assistant. Firstly, I do not consider that this title properly reflects the complexity of the work I undertake. Secondly, they have stated that CILEx Level 6 qualified people would be entitled to be either a Legal Assistant or a Senior Legal Assistant. Well, I have passed the Bar Professional Training Course. That entitles me to become Level 6 qualified without taking any modules at all, just paying £600. Who why on earth have I been mapped at this low level? Furious doesn't even cover it. HR will be hearing from me today.


I am full of the joys of Autumn today. The leaves are the colour of fire, the air bites like ice and I am feeling healthy. I'm looking forward to shopping for some wet weather gear, to ensure that I can enjoy my walk to and from work all the way through the winter months ahead.

Downer

I am afraid I seem to be on a bit of a downer this week. I have not been eating enough 'speedy' foods, have been finding it difficult to wake up and get out of bed in the mornings and have felt generally rather yuck.


I think what I need is another good weight loss this week. I'll be stepping on to the Slimming World scales tomorrow. However, I weighed myself on the scales at home again this morning and I seem to have put on 1lb since last Thursday. I really hope that is just the difference in the scales, and not the truth. Muh! :-(


I think I will talk to my doctor about anaemia. I am just so sapped of energy and I don't know if it is because I have cut out sugar & fat, or if I have something wrong with me. I suppose that it could also be something to do with my * week making me lethargic.


I can't believe it's only Wednesday. I am struggling like mad. There is so much to get done and it feels like I will never get to the top of this mountain. Nobody bothers to ask if I have capacity to take something on, it is just assumed that I will do it. Whether I actually have time or not is neither here nor there.


On a more positive note, I am off on holiday with my friend next month! I haven't been on holiday in years so I am VERY excited! We have both been incredibly busy lately and have not been able to see each other as much as we might like, so it is lovely that we will get to spend some time together soaking up the sun.

Dark Mornings

Autumn. It creeps in. Rolling. Whilst you are looking up at the sharp sky and down at the fire coloured leaves, the dark slowly rolls towards you. Eventually, it will catch you. There is nothing you can do about it. Soon, you find yourself getting to work in the dark and leaving work in the dark. Another day lost with no Vitamin D.

I am already missing the sun. The darkness presses in on me from the moment my alarm goes off. In some ways, it's peaceful. But I have no respect for it. To me, it has come to steal my daytime. To me, it is the memory of horrendous times I have been through, playing out in my mind as I push my way through the darkness which seems to gather around me and cling to my clothes and skin.

Winter is a time of darkness and foreboding. Dark mornings and evenings make  me apprehensive as I walk along the canal to work. Shadows extend, scuffle and contort. They make me wary.

And so it is an enormous effort for me to get out of bed at this time of year. Even more so, it is a concerted effort for me to park the 30 minute walk from work and force myself to shuffle along the canal.

But I will do it. Because I want the exercise. Because I don't want to be fat anymore. Dark mornings will have to become part of my life and my fears of them will have to be put to the back of my mind.

Décolletage

I'm concerned that I may not have lost any weight so far this week, rather, that I may have put it on. I don't see how that could be the case as I have been sticking to my plan like glue. I just feel heavier in myself and I am still weighing myself far too often. I appear to be back up over the 15st mark, which is so annoying!


I would love a décolletage. They make everything look so much nicer. I wouldn't be so fussed about having a serious lack of breasts if I had a lovely décolletage. To this end, I need to start looking after my neck skin. I moisturise my face twice a day so this should be just an extension of that. A pretty décolletage is not pretty if the skin atop it is wrinkly or dry. It should be tight and smooth.


I have a tough week this week, so I'm hoping that I can be strong enough not to turn to food for support. I have prepared a very healthy lunch of lettuce, red cabbage, carrots, beetroot, grilled chicken, wholemeal pasta, cucumber, cress, red pepper and a low fat salad dressing to get me through until tea time, where I imagine a lovely stir-fry omelette will do the trick; as I have dance class tonight. Loads of speedy foods and free foods equals a happy Megan.

Feeling Fit

I have never been 'fit'. I was always in the lowest group for PE, despite trying my best. I get breathless and my legs burn. This is one of the reasons I want to lose weight.

However, today I have made myself proud. I volunteered to help my friend tidy a room in her flat. This was not entirely altruistic, as it is the room I stay in when I stay over. It has been used to store items which my friend would prefer to have in the garage: Christmas decorations, camping chairs and clothes to name but a few. Together, we organised and cleared this all out, packing up boxes, taking them downstairs (she lives on the third floor) to the garage and climbing back up the stairs to start all over again.

The piece de resistance was the fact that, between us, we carried a large pine chest of drawers up the stairs, with all the drawera full of clothes. It was really hard work but we managed it. I'm feeling fit and the room looks great!

Body Magic

Part of Slimming World is 'Body Magic' which encourages you to walk, swim, run, cycle etc.

I walk 30 mins each way to and from work every week day, but I have a sedentry job. I also go to a dance class once a week.

Yesterday, however, I went to Newquay with a long-legged friend. We walked for hours at his quick pace. Firstly through streets and up hills, and then across the sand which was rather difficult. We then climbed loads of steps up the cliff. I felt really good about myself afterwards and hope that it shows on the scales on Thursday next week.

I have a feeling that my general activity levels will shortly increase. I am starting a new dance class (lindy hop) on Wednesday, and I am trying to organise some girls to play netball with on a regular basis.

10 Packs of Butter

It was the first proper weigh in last night. I have to be honest- I was really nervous. There was so much hype about how much you could lose in your first week that I became worried that I was going to be the only person ever, not to have lost any weight at all.

I was, of course, wrong. Nobody got their bets right. Not only did I lose 5 1/2 pounds, but the other women who also started last week lost 2-4 pounds and so I had lost the most! I am utterly thrilled. I don't feel any slimmer, despite having lost the equivalent of nearly 10 x 250g packs of butter off my body. I assume that the fat is coming off from around my organs first, which can only be a good thing.

I am really looking forward to this week. Another pound and a half, and I will get my half stone award, in only two weeks!

I simply cannot believe I lost so much weight, when I have had so many problems this week! It has been an incredibly stressful week at work (I would have happily stood up and yelled 'I quit!' if I didn't need the money), I have had my monthly* visitor which makes me crave fatty foods like mad, I have had a head cold which has made me want to be lazy and I have eaten out three times.

#proud

I also saw my best friend last night. I love seeing her. She thinks I help her, but I think it is the other way around. Even when she is down, just being around her lifts my spirits and she is unbelievably supportive of my weight loss. I don't know what I would do without her.


*monthly is a turn of phrase and in no way reflects the regularity of the occurrence.

Taking Bets

I've had a busy couple of days. I went to see my friend and her parents invited us over for dinner. Whilst there, we used their hot tub. It was so relaxing. I could have happily fallen asleep with a massive smile on my face.

Her parents provided pizza, garlic bread and stuffed mushrooms. Although it wasn't the best food for my diet, I dealt with it by only having about half of what I would normally have. Low and behold- I actually felt full!

Today, my Mum made an amazing ratatoullie. It was absolutely delicious and I have used the leftovers in a chicken salad for tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, it is weigh day. I'm taking bets on my weight loss. The bets so far are:

My Dad: 5lb
My best friend: 4.5lb
My Mum: 4lb
My Brother: 3lb

I am hoping for 5.5lb to get me under the 15st straight away, but I would be happy with 3lb.

Cut Throat

I'm seriously hungry. Slimming World say that you never need to be hungry and they are totally right, if you're not a doughnut like me, who leaves their packed lunch and snacks at home and has meetings all through her lunch break. Since breakfast, I have had 8 grapes. That is literally it.


My stomach thinks my throat has been cut.


During the meeting, there were lovely sandwiches laid out in front of us, full of syns. I passed up on them. I had bread for breakfast so I can't kid myself that it would be mostly my 'healthy B' option. The fillings were mayonnaise based and I have no way of knowing if they are low fat or not. There were lovely millionaire shortbreads too. Again, I refrained.


I feel almost saintly. Surely I have the self-control of a Buddhist Monk!?


The thing is, I can't have any syns because I am going around to my friend's parents house tonight. Of course, I would not be rude enough to refuse whatever meal they provide; and so I must save my syns in case it isn't exactly slimmer-friendly.


It feels good to be in control and give myself options.. but I would kill for some food right now! *digs around in handbag to see if there are any stray apples*. No such luck.

Failing to Prepare is Preparing to Fail

I was ever so good last night. I made my packed lunch in advance so that there could be no excuse. I made a lovely salad (despite there being no lettuce or tomatoes in he house), gathered together some fruit and a 0% fat yoghurt and a massive drink. After all, failing to prepare is preparing to fail, the early bird catches the worm etc.


This morning, I have woken up with a stinking rotten head cold. All I want is chocolate, soup and my bed. Here I am at work, sniffling and trying not to annoy/ pass the bug onto my colleagues. The fruit doesn't taste of anything, the salad seems far to cold to contemplate and my tummy is rumbling.


Positively though, I am managing to stick to my diet rigidly without faltering. I am not heading off into town this lunchtime to buy something naughty. I'm not giving into my chocolate temptations, despite the mini chocolate doughnuts being bandied around the office and I am certainly not considering cheating.

M any people in our group are posting pictures of their breakfasts/ lunches/ dinners to facebook. Although this isn't really my style, I am finding it really useful to get some ideas. I also find it a good impetus as it brings out my competitive nature. I want an astonishing loss!


Check out my gallery for the inspiration sent to me by my lovely Slimming World Consultant. 2lb per week is totally manageable, right?

Being Squeezed

My beautiful sister is engaged to be married in June 2017. She purchased her wedding dress today. It is absolutely stunning. She looks breathtaking.

I tried on a bridesmaid's dress and, as her colours are pink and grey, the frock of choice was pink.

At best, I looked like a blancmange. Or a pink marshmallow. At worst I looked like Mr. Blobby.

Being squeezed into dresses far too small for me, by women who would snap if you high-fived them, was beyond mortifying. I can't wait to be happy with myself. I can't wait to not even think about it when I slip into my dress in 20 months' time.

I'm on track. I have had wholemeal toast for breakfast, a jacket potato with tuna, sweetcorn and salad for lunch and I have got a roast dinner tonight, cooked the slimming world way.

Hidden Extras

I am discovering that eating out cheaply is difficult, as is eating with friends. Having said that, I am proud of the choices I made last night. We went to a Harvester-type place to eat. I had 'Italian Style Chicken'. I swapped the chips for boiled new potatoes and it came with a nice salad too.

Unfortunately, the salad came dressed, the potatoes came with packets of butter on the side and the chicken came in breadcrumbs with cheese and a tomato sauce on the top.

It all looked delicious, and I could happily have eaten it all.

Instead, I scraped off the cheese (shame it took the tomato based sauce with it!), peeled off the breadcrumb outer and had just the lean chicken. I refused the butter and removed it from my plate to remove the temptation. There wasn't much I could do about the salad dressing so I counted it with my syns.

I felt empowered and determined.

On the other hand I felt like this eatery was trying to trip me up. I thought I had made a good choice, and out it came with all these hidden extras, forcing me to make a real hash of eating my dinner in front of my friends. I don't want to become a martyr to dieting.

Next time I go there I will specify no salad dressing, no butter and I'll choose the salmon. Surely they won't breadcrumb that!?

Something Fishy

Straight away I'm struggling. I haven't gone over my syns allowance, but I feel guilty for the food choices I made last night. The chinese was replaced by fish and chips. I removed the batter from the fish so that was a 'Free Food'; but to my mind it was still deep-fried fish and I felt an enormous amount of guilt for eating it.

I had it with chip shop chips which came in at 14 syns. Although that meant I was below my syns allowance, I felt very bad for having spent all my syns on chips!

I am wondering if there are some syns which are worse than others? If you spend your syns on chips, do you lose less weight than if you spend your syns on healthier foods?

Powerful and In Control

The first class wasn't remotely as traumatic as I had expected. My lovely colleague, who has recently achieved her target weight, joined me for this step into the unknown.

It was all very civilised. We were talked through the Slimming World plan. We applauded people who had lost or maintained and we discussed ways to improve for those few who had gained. It didn't seem judgmental and I think I will be happy to stay for the class after each weigh-in.

The worst part was getting weighed. Nobody else can see your weight, but I don't share it with anyone and the woman who could see it was a perfect stranger. I also had to choose a goal weight. I had no idea what would be a healthy weight for me, I was just told to pick a weight.

So I went home yesterday evening, raring to go. I prepared breakfast and snacks for this morning, all of which are syn-free and I can pick at them all day. I can have as much syn-free food as I like and, apparently, I will lose weight! It seems much too good to be true.

The real challenge will come this evening, when we have a Chinese Takeaway. This is a very rare treat for me, and I can't believe it has landed on the first day of my new diet! What a challenge! The book is great and does give you good ideas for which dishes have the least syns. I will just have to make sure that I don't have any syns throughout the rest of the day, because my favourite dish is 14 syns and I am allowed 15 syns per day.

I am really conscious that I don't want this blog to become narcissistic. Please do let me know if I stray into that territory.

For now- I am enjoying my delicious breakfast at my desk, I have a syn-free Slimming World ready meal in the freezer at work, and I am surrounded by fruit and veg and I am feeling powerful and in control.

I am Megan

I wear big knickers. Bigger than I have ever worn before. Bigger than I ever expected to wear. My tummy has become so large that it sits on my lap when I sit down. When I walk, it moves of it's own accord, in great rippling waves of cake and butter. I have back boobs and bingo wings, scars between my thighs where they rub together. My calves don't fit into wellyboots. I avoid looking at myself whenever possible. My skin is suffering. It is dry. It creases. I have acne not just on my face; but on my back, my chest, my shoulders and arms. I have to avoid many shops which don't sell my size. I compare myself to others constantly.

People always tell you that you will never again look as good as you do in your twenties. I am 25 and I disgust myself.

Enough of the self-pity. I am not all bad. I know that the number on my scales isn't everything. I have a postgraduate diploma in law. I work for a very successful law firm and enjoy my job. I have wonderful family and friends. I consider myself a good friend and I try to be respectful and kind to everybody. All is not lost. But the outside me is not a reflection of the Megan I feel like inside. I feel spritely, young and enthusiastic. I am up for adventures, trying new things, discovering new places, new hobbies and new people.

And so it is with great trepidation and a whizz of excitement, that I am going to Slimming World for the first time tonight. A number of my colleagues have tried it and I have sat here with my chocolate bars, envious of the fat melting off them. I intend to record my Slimming World journey on here. The highs and the lows. I am not expecting miracles. I just want to be able to show the world who I really am.

I am not the fat girl. I am Megan.