It's Been Far Too Long

I have been incredibly busy and have failed to update my lovely blog. Please accept my apologies. I have recently been struggling with the diet and lost a bit of focus. However, I may now be meeting a chap in a few weeks' time and am therefore determined to lose at least half a stone before then and to feel better about myself.


To that end, I have started to exercise properly.


Yesterday, I ran 1.4 miles, then did an hour long dance class, then I ran 1.4 miles back again. I have another dance class this evening. I have spent some time today preparing an exercise programme which has some exercise every day (although it does have a rest morning or afternoon).


I am determined to stick to this and the diet so that I am full of confidence when I meet this chap. It is really important to me and will hopefully get me back on track.


I will be doing the following exercise:


- Dance (I already do this at least once a week)
- Walking (I already to this for an hour a day)
- Running
- HIIT
- 30 day Squat Challenge
- Swimming (this one costs so I will necessarily be limiting the amount of this I do).


One of my friends has said that she will run with me, and we have organised a run on Wednesday to this end. Another friend has asked me to do a 5k park run with him and my best friend has had the best idea... a colour run (where they throw paint at you whilst you run). These sound like great fun!


I wish that I had taken a "before" photo before starting my diet, as I am finding it difficult to see that I have made any progress at all. I will therefore take a "before" photo before starting this exercise regime.

Devastated & Ecstatic

Last night at slimming world, I put on 2.5lb. Other than having difficulty going to the toilet (apologies for the over share), I have no idea why this happened. It has made me so determined to get a good loss this week.

I went back to Holly's and ate everything I fancied. I had soft cheese with salt and pepper crackers, lamb and mint burgers in pitta bread with tzatziki and even ben and jerry's cookie dough icecream. I bought Soreen too, but I didn't eat it. Turns out that my eyes were bigger than my belly. I felt very fat and I felt no guilt what so ever. It felt great to have that blow out with my friend as we both put on and felt like we needed it. Hopefully now we can sort ourselves out. Today is a new day and I intend to have a darn good loss this week.

In other news, I had a court hearing today. A big one. I won. You know those days where you realise that all of the effort you have put into your career, everything you have given up for it and every time you have worried about it so much that you have failed to get a wink of sleep, was entirely worth it? Those days where everything just clicks and you think- yes- this is the career for me. Today was that day. I absolutely relish the advocacy and I cannot wait to do more of it. The win is like a drug and I feel high.


I also had to wear a smart suit for this. I haven't worn this particular suit since uni, when it was very tight. I put it on this morning and could tell straight away that it fits so much better. That in itself spurs me on.

I intend to post frequently this week to keep me on track.

So... today I have had the following:

1 slimming world brownie: 1/2 syn

1 apple: FREE (S)

2 slices of wholemeal bread: HexB

Chicken breast: FREE

Lettuce: FREE (S)

Tomato: FREE (S)

Cucumber: FREE (S)

Mayonnaise: 5 syns (Running total: 5.5 syns)

Volvic: Touch of Fruit: 1 Syn (Running total: 6.5 syns)

Grapes: FREE

Strawberries: FREE (S)

Lamb and Mint Burger: 2.5 syns x 2 (Running total:11.5 syns)

For dinner I will be enjoying:

Salmon: FREE

Tomatoes: FREE (S)

Potatoes: FREE

Peppers: FREE (S)

Rocket: FREE (S)

Balsamic Vinegar: 1 Syn (Running total: 12.5 syns)

Low Calorie Cooking Spray: FREE

Onion: FREE (S)

I may have a muller light: FREE for pudding.

Pancake Day & Lent

One. Singular. Pancake. A proper one. Flour, milk, eggs, a pile of sugar and half a lemon. So full of juice that my fingers became sticky, despite using cutlery.

None of this slimming world pancake omelette-pancake nonsense.

Self-control.

One pancake to rule them all.

This is the first year I have ever limited how many pancakes I have. I had one. I didn't scrimp on it. It was a beauty. Cooked to perfection (if I do say so myself) and ever so juicy. It was phenomenal. People on the facebook group were putting up pictures of their pancakes. None of them looked appetising.

I get it, they are syn-free- but who needs syn-free when you save up enough syns to have a proper one; and by god did I enjoy it. I ate it with my usual gusto, mixed with an intense determination to savour it. I was only having this one and I was going to enjoy it! I lapped it up. I rinsed my plate for every grain of sugar and I cam close to licking the stickiness off the plate. And then? I stopped. I was satisfied with my pancake, my tummy was full but more than that- I was satisfied with myself. My self-control clearly knows no bounds.

To make it even better, I was rewarded this morning when I stood with trepidation upon the bathroom scales and found that I have lost a little.

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So after all of that excitement last night, today is the start of Lent. I had a think about what I would like to give up and I found it really hard this year. I don't want to give up anything food-based as I have already put myself on this diet.

So I have decided to give up having a messy bedroom. This month, I am going to clear out all of my old law books, all of the jackets I keep in the bottom of my wardrobe for no reason, all of the shoes I will never wear because they are simply too high. I will get rid of my paperwork from undergrad (I have no idea why I have still got that) and the love letters I received from an old flame. I will rid myself of clutter and make my life a simplier and happier place to be as a result.

With so much negativity clouding my mind recently, I am determined to embrace change and to make myself a better person. Perhaps even somebody who deserves to be loved.

I am moulding a new Megan. I like her. She kicks butt.

Like Wading Through Treacle

I have been really good all week. I have stayed within my syns and eaten tonnes of speedy food. So why, oh why, are my scales at home saying that I have gained 2lb? It doesn't seem fair!

Yes, I know I shouldn't weigh at home- but I do. Get used to it.

In other news, I have made a new acquaintance and am finding myself smiling more frequently as a result of his messages. This can only be a good thing. However, in general I am low. Things are getting on top of me and I feel like I am treading water. I am constantly exhausted and, despite being rather busy, am generally avoiding social interaction. One positive side of this is that I am getting a lot of applications done, and I am sorting out my life by sorting through my clothes and getting rid of the ones which now positively drown me. This is extremely cathartic.

I also spent a ridiculous amount of money on an enormous stash of Tupperware boxes yesterday. That's right kids- I am that woman now.

I just cannot seem to be able to pull myself out of this funk. I don't know what's wrong with me. My friends are going through a tough time and I don't feel like I can be there for them 100% at the moment, because I sort of feel as if I am disconnected from the world.

Slow Progress

I lost 0.5lb last night. Half a measly pound. It was barely worth bothering.

To be fair though, I haven't really stuck to it so I was lucky that it was in the right direction.

I intend to be fully back on track this week. I would like to lose 3lb. I have turned down chocolate on more than one occasion today, although I have not had much speedy food and in fact have barely eaten anything at all due to a client meeting at a restaurant which served literally nothing slimming world friendly. I will sort that out tonight. Vegetables all the way.

I want to keep up my momentum- I would like to reach 2 1/2 stone by the end of February (2lb per week) if at all possible. That means eating fewer free foods and syns and many, many more speedy foods. As I love eating speedy foods, this should not really be a problem.

I feel like I need to take control of my life again. This week has been simply horrid and I am looking forward to spending most of the weekend curled up in my pyjamas doing applications. It sounds terribly lazy but you would want that too if you had had to cope with what I have this week.

2 Stone

Last week, I finally reached my 2 stone award. I was absolutely overjoyed with it. I have pinned it to my notice board and my sister even got me a bunch of flowers to congratulate me. It felt great. On the same night, my best friend got her 1 1/2 stone award, which she wasn't expecting and is completely, wonderfully insane!

Things have been OK. I mean, not wonderful, but OK. I've been rather under the weather and not keeping up to date with my friends like I usually would. I've literally been getting home and dropping into bed. I just want to sleep all the time. I don't think it's slimming world that is causing it. I just think that I have been burning the candle at both ends and I need to take it easy for a bit. Work is so insane at the moment and I won't cope with it if I am unable to function as a human!

My jellyfisher friend has lost 6.5lb so far and of course I would not want to belittle that as it's a really good thing- but she is noticing her loss all over the place. She is saying that lumps and bumps she used to have on her body appear to have melted away. Having lost 2 stone, I note that many of my clothes are too big for me (I took 7 bags of clothes to the charity shop this weekend) and others fit where they never did before. However, I still look in the mirror and see exactly the same lumps and bumps as I saw before. I still see myself as the same size as when I started. I fear that this may be because I have always been really hard on myself and I won't notice the difference until I have reached my target weight, which is still a considerable distance away.

When I got my 2 stone award, I lost an extra 1/2 lb. This means that I am already on my way to my 2.5 stone award. 6.5lb to go and I would like to do it before going to the dance weekend at Alton Towers. That is, I believe, in the middle of March.

I also have to think up a 'free food' to take to group with me on Thursday. I reckon I will take my ratatouille as I have been going on about it so much. Or maybe a salmon & rice salad?

Different Group

I went to a different group yesterday evening. It was really interesting. Below is a list of the pro's and cons.

Pros

It was lead by a man who was able to give a different perspective

It was very well set up- he even had slimming world table cloths!

It is clearly popular, lots of people turned up

The room was large and warm which meant I was more likely to stay to group as I was not freezing my butt off

It had easy parking

I felt welcomed as a guest member

They had a better raffle

They had a fake 1lb of fat sat on the desk and it was really inspiring to think I had lost 27 of them!

Cons

With it being such a large group, it took ages for everyone to get weighed

The people doing the weighing kept whispering between themselves which I found really disconcerting

It seemed to take forever to speak to everyone. It goes in alphabetical order and when I left at 10 past 9, it had only reached the M's!

The consultant seemed to get rather tongue tied which meant that sometimes his message did not get through.

I lost 3lb and am therefore 1lb away from my 2 stone award.

SP Week

I have been doing an SP week. I had intended to also have a maximum of 10 syns per day (although I did go to 14 syns on one day).

I've really enjoyed it. I have eaten vegetables until they are coming out of my ears. I am absolutely determined to get my 2 stone award this week.

Weigh day is today and I weighed on the scales at my friend's flat this morning. Obviously they are wrong. Very wrong. Because they said that I had lost 8lb. How ridiculous would that be!? I am hoping for the 4lb so that I get my 2 stone award.

My other friends who are doing slimming world seem to be doing well for the most part (although I am still slightly uncomfortable about that).

Several more people this week have commented on my weight. People say I am looking good and them immediately follow it with 'but don't lose too much' and even my own Mother keeps saying not to go too much lower. What is wrong with people? I am still a massive fatty! Leave me alone to lose however much I want to. It is my body. I have to live in it. If you are not in my body, you do not have a say. End of.

Everyone seems to be doing slimming world. The pressure to drop faster than them is mounting.

Stuck between a half and an awesome place

I expected to put on this week. I have been bloated and manky, although I have stuck to the diet. I put on 2lb. I have been yo-yoing between 1st 7lb and 2st for what feels like an eternity now. I got my 1 and a half stone award before going away to Lanzarote, for goodness sake! (Although to be fair, since then I have had Christmas, New Year in London and the call of Mother Nature).

I was a little miffed about it but I know that I have stuck to it and so I am expecting an awesome loss next week. I hope it is just mother nature playing tricks on my body.

I checked again this morning and was already back to last week's weight of 13st 7lb.

Sticking to it like glue. Before now, I have lost 4.5lb in one week (not including my first week when I lost 5.5lb), so I know that the 2 stone award is still achievable next week. I want it so badly. I am going to have barely any syns, write down every scrap of everything I eat and be a winner. I feel like there is this glass ceiling and I need to power through it.

I've Got The Fear

I made the grave error of weighing myself on my scales at home. Yesterday, I put on 2lb overnight, and last night I put on another 1lb. I have been really good all week, but it appears that my star week has really screwed me over this time. I am particularly devastated as my 'friend' is having her first proper weigh in tonight and I really wanted my 2 stone award so that I could feel good about myself no matter how much she lost. No such luck.

I am bloated, I look like a heifer and I am utterly miserable. I cannot wait to see my best friend. She never fails to make me feel beautiful- no matter how rancid I actually look.

The Sauce of Many Uses

On Sunday, I developed a sauce. It is now Wednesday and I have had it in various forms every day since. It is delicious and so versatile- so I thought I would share it with you.

On Monday, I had it cold, with salad and cold boiled new potatoes, pickled baby beetroot and a cold hard boiled egg.

On Tuesday, I had it warm over boiled baby potatoes with some cheese (HExA) on the top.

Today, I have had it warm and mixed in with rice left over from last night's dinner. It made a sort of jambalaya and was delicious.  (Before you say anything, I know that left over rice can be dangerous. I deliberately made too much and cooled it quickly.)

Other ways you could have it are:

- Over pasta, like a Bolognese;

- Blitzed into a soup/ smooth sauce;

- As a type of ratatouille.

The recipe is as follows:

- Using fry light, fry off 2 onions, 1 leek, 1 yellow pepper, 4 mushrooms, 4 tomatoes and a courgette;

- Add passata, ginger, garlic and paprika, salt and pepper;

- Simmer on low heat until it thickens;

- Wilt spinach leaves and/ or watercress into the mix.

And there you have it! It keeps really well in the fridge and I have been really enjoying it.

Compliments

I find it difficult to take a compliment. I always feel as if the other person is being disingenuous or worse, sarcastic.

Last night at dance class, one of the older gentlemen sidled up to me and said 'What's happened to you?" "Sorry?", I responded. "You're half the size you were!" he said. My grin was enormous. I gave him a mock shove and told him he was being silly. I didn't know how to take it, but as it was so off the cuff, I assume he was being nice and telling the truth. I find it funny that I don't see it. I mean, I can tell that my clothes fit differently but when I look in the mirror, I am still the same fat girl I have always been. I honestly can't see where I have lost the weight.

And yet I have lost 26lb, which is the equivalent of:

- 11.8 bags of sugar

- 52 packs of butter

- 58967 carats

- 0.0117934 metric tonnes

- 416 ounces

- 20.8 pints of water

- 280.795 peanut butter kitkat chunky bars

I have lost more than the 13 month old in our house weighs. The thought of carrying him around with me all the time is exhausting!

So maybe my friend is right and I do have a bit of body dysmorphia. Maybe I need to start trusting the compliments. Maybe that will make me a happier person.

Getting There

After a week of feeling really down, becoming ill and generally feeling despondent, I was amazed to have lost 3lb at last night's weigh in. This is particularly so, as when I weighed in before Christmas, it was in the morning whereas this was an evening weigh in.

It has really given me the passion to go for it again. I am 2lb off my 2 stone award and I am so close I can almost taste it. (It tastes like free food- not chocolate, unfortunately).

This weekend, I intend to do a load of batch cooking and stick it in the fridge in a load of containers- all labelled and ready to grab. I want to get organised- tidy my room, my car and my mind. I am determined to get the 2 stone award next week. Absolutely determined. That will mean that I have lost 2 stone in 3 months. Quite incredible.

I have a busy January ahead. Seeing lots of people, work (which is a little manic as always) and applications. It's all a bit AARGH and it will be so much worse if I fail to prepare. I am going to dedicate my weekend to sorting myself out (although I am also going out for lunch on both days and dinner on Saturday).

Speaking of going out for dinner, I believe that I have had a break through. I do not feel anxious that I will be forced to eat something off- plan. I now take control and amend meals with the waiters whom, if you are polite, are generally happy to assist. I feel calm and in control and like I am going to have a good time- which is wonderful.

Really Down

I don't mean to moan. I'm not that way inclined. I prefer to be happy and bubbly and full of the joys of life. However, since Christmas I have been finding it really difficult to pull myself through. My diet has gone to pot and I am sad and lonely.

Last night was dance class. For one reason or another I have not attended dance since the week before my holiday. Two separate people mentioned that I had lost weight, and that felt good. REALLY good. But then my friend mentioned that she was starting slimming world on Thursday this week. This friend is a bit of a jelly-fisher and despite the fact that she is a good friend, I have always had issues about the way I look which are a direct result of comments that she tends to make. Although my other friends tell me that our sizes and shapes are not comparable, I cannot help but compare myself to her. Obsessively.

She is overweight, but is a lot shorter than me and has enormous boobs. I have always compared the size of mine to the size of hers. I have always thought of myself as bigger than her or the same size as her. Being on this diet and noticing for the first time that I actually have some good points which she does not, had a huge impact on my self-confidence to the extent that I was happy to be stood in my underwear in front of her.

As soon as she said that she was joining slimming world I physically felt myself crawl back under my rock. Immediate thoughts were that she was going to be the same size as me again. Maybe even smaller. I am not proud to say that I resented her for taking something that was mine. It's different with my other friend. She is so supportive and I have never compared our bodies because I have never been lean and trim like her. But this girl seems to take delight in making me feel rubbish. I am a grown woman and I was physically shaking by the time I got home.

And then...


I relapsed.


I ate and ate. I gorged on things I should definitely not have eaten.


I did it in private and hated myself every second.


I hid the evidence and had a bit of a cry.

I am utterly pathetic. At least bulimics have the balls to throw it up after they binge. I just sat there getting fatter and poking the rolls of lard that cling to me.

The 2lb I put on over Christmas suddenly feels like I have put on all the weight I have lost. My friend says I have a certain amount of body dysmorphia. I have always hated myself and was learning to be happier and to take control and now it feels like it has all gone to hell. I'm going to be so ashamed when I stand on the scales of doom on Thursday.

I am Megan. I am enormous.