Different Group

I went to a different group yesterday evening. It was really interesting. Below is a list of the pro's and cons.

Pros

It was lead by a man who was able to give a different perspective

It was very well set up- he even had slimming world table cloths!

It is clearly popular, lots of people turned up

The room was large and warm which meant I was more likely to stay to group as I was not freezing my butt off

It had easy parking

I felt welcomed as a guest member

They had a better raffle

They had a fake 1lb of fat sat on the desk and it was really inspiring to think I had lost 27 of them!

Cons

With it being such a large group, it took ages for everyone to get weighed

The people doing the weighing kept whispering between themselves which I found really disconcerting

It seemed to take forever to speak to everyone. It goes in alphabetical order and when I left at 10 past 9, it had only reached the M's!

The consultant seemed to get rather tongue tied which meant that sometimes his message did not get through.

I lost 3lb and am therefore 1lb away from my 2 stone award.

SP Week

I have been doing an SP week. I had intended to also have a maximum of 10 syns per day (although I did go to 14 syns on one day).

I've really enjoyed it. I have eaten vegetables until they are coming out of my ears. I am absolutely determined to get my 2 stone award this week.

Weigh day is today and I weighed on the scales at my friend's flat this morning. Obviously they are wrong. Very wrong. Because they said that I had lost 8lb. How ridiculous would that be!? I am hoping for the 4lb so that I get my 2 stone award.

My other friends who are doing slimming world seem to be doing well for the most part (although I am still slightly uncomfortable about that).

Several more people this week have commented on my weight. People say I am looking good and them immediately follow it with 'but don't lose too much' and even my own Mother keeps saying not to go too much lower. What is wrong with people? I am still a massive fatty! Leave me alone to lose however much I want to. It is my body. I have to live in it. If you are not in my body, you do not have a say. End of.

Everyone seems to be doing slimming world. The pressure to drop faster than them is mounting.

Stuck between a half and an awesome place

I expected to put on this week. I have been bloated and manky, although I have stuck to the diet. I put on 2lb. I have been yo-yoing between 1st 7lb and 2st for what feels like an eternity now. I got my 1 and a half stone award before going away to Lanzarote, for goodness sake! (Although to be fair, since then I have had Christmas, New Year in London and the call of Mother Nature).

I was a little miffed about it but I know that I have stuck to it and so I am expecting an awesome loss next week. I hope it is just mother nature playing tricks on my body.

I checked again this morning and was already back to last week's weight of 13st 7lb.

Sticking to it like glue. Before now, I have lost 4.5lb in one week (not including my first week when I lost 5.5lb), so I know that the 2 stone award is still achievable next week. I want it so badly. I am going to have barely any syns, write down every scrap of everything I eat and be a winner. I feel like there is this glass ceiling and I need to power through it.

I've Got The Fear

I made the grave error of weighing myself on my scales at home. Yesterday, I put on 2lb overnight, and last night I put on another 1lb. I have been really good all week, but it appears that my star week has really screwed me over this time. I am particularly devastated as my 'friend' is having her first proper weigh in tonight and I really wanted my 2 stone award so that I could feel good about myself no matter how much she lost. No such luck.

I am bloated, I look like a heifer and I am utterly miserable. I cannot wait to see my best friend. She never fails to make me feel beautiful- no matter how rancid I actually look.

The Sauce of Many Uses

On Sunday, I developed a sauce. It is now Wednesday and I have had it in various forms every day since. It is delicious and so versatile- so I thought I would share it with you.

On Monday, I had it cold, with salad and cold boiled new potatoes, pickled baby beetroot and a cold hard boiled egg.

On Tuesday, I had it warm over boiled baby potatoes with some cheese (HExA) on the top.

Today, I have had it warm and mixed in with rice left over from last night's dinner. It made a sort of jambalaya and was delicious.  (Before you say anything, I know that left over rice can be dangerous. I deliberately made too much and cooled it quickly.)

Other ways you could have it are:

- Over pasta, like a Bolognese;

- Blitzed into a soup/ smooth sauce;

- As a type of ratatouille.

The recipe is as follows:

- Using fry light, fry off 2 onions, 1 leek, 1 yellow pepper, 4 mushrooms, 4 tomatoes and a courgette;

- Add passata, ginger, garlic and paprika, salt and pepper;

- Simmer on low heat until it thickens;

- Wilt spinach leaves and/ or watercress into the mix.

And there you have it! It keeps really well in the fridge and I have been really enjoying it.

Compliments

I find it difficult to take a compliment. I always feel as if the other person is being disingenuous or worse, sarcastic.

Last night at dance class, one of the older gentlemen sidled up to me and said 'What's happened to you?" "Sorry?", I responded. "You're half the size you were!" he said. My grin was enormous. I gave him a mock shove and told him he was being silly. I didn't know how to take it, but as it was so off the cuff, I assume he was being nice and telling the truth. I find it funny that I don't see it. I mean, I can tell that my clothes fit differently but when I look in the mirror, I am still the same fat girl I have always been. I honestly can't see where I have lost the weight.

And yet I have lost 26lb, which is the equivalent of:

- 11.8 bags of sugar

- 52 packs of butter

- 58967 carats

- 0.0117934 metric tonnes

- 416 ounces

- 20.8 pints of water

- 280.795 peanut butter kitkat chunky bars

I have lost more than the 13 month old in our house weighs. The thought of carrying him around with me all the time is exhausting!

So maybe my friend is right and I do have a bit of body dysmorphia. Maybe I need to start trusting the compliments. Maybe that will make me a happier person.

Getting There

After a week of feeling really down, becoming ill and generally feeling despondent, I was amazed to have lost 3lb at last night's weigh in. This is particularly so, as when I weighed in before Christmas, it was in the morning whereas this was an evening weigh in.

It has really given me the passion to go for it again. I am 2lb off my 2 stone award and I am so close I can almost taste it. (It tastes like free food- not chocolate, unfortunately).

This weekend, I intend to do a load of batch cooking and stick it in the fridge in a load of containers- all labelled and ready to grab. I want to get organised- tidy my room, my car and my mind. I am determined to get the 2 stone award next week. Absolutely determined. That will mean that I have lost 2 stone in 3 months. Quite incredible.

I have a busy January ahead. Seeing lots of people, work (which is a little manic as always) and applications. It's all a bit AARGH and it will be so much worse if I fail to prepare. I am going to dedicate my weekend to sorting myself out (although I am also going out for lunch on both days and dinner on Saturday).

Speaking of going out for dinner, I believe that I have had a break through. I do not feel anxious that I will be forced to eat something off- plan. I now take control and amend meals with the waiters whom, if you are polite, are generally happy to assist. I feel calm and in control and like I am going to have a good time- which is wonderful.

Really Down

I don't mean to moan. I'm not that way inclined. I prefer to be happy and bubbly and full of the joys of life. However, since Christmas I have been finding it really difficult to pull myself through. My diet has gone to pot and I am sad and lonely.

Last night was dance class. For one reason or another I have not attended dance since the week before my holiday. Two separate people mentioned that I had lost weight, and that felt good. REALLY good. But then my friend mentioned that she was starting slimming world on Thursday this week. This friend is a bit of a jelly-fisher and despite the fact that she is a good friend, I have always had issues about the way I look which are a direct result of comments that she tends to make. Although my other friends tell me that our sizes and shapes are not comparable, I cannot help but compare myself to her. Obsessively.

She is overweight, but is a lot shorter than me and has enormous boobs. I have always compared the size of mine to the size of hers. I have always thought of myself as bigger than her or the same size as her. Being on this diet and noticing for the first time that I actually have some good points which she does not, had a huge impact on my self-confidence to the extent that I was happy to be stood in my underwear in front of her.

As soon as she said that she was joining slimming world I physically felt myself crawl back under my rock. Immediate thoughts were that she was going to be the same size as me again. Maybe even smaller. I am not proud to say that I resented her for taking something that was mine. It's different with my other friend. She is so supportive and I have never compared our bodies because I have never been lean and trim like her. But this girl seems to take delight in making me feel rubbish. I am a grown woman and I was physically shaking by the time I got home.

And then...


I relapsed.


I ate and ate. I gorged on things I should definitely not have eaten.


I did it in private and hated myself every second.


I hid the evidence and had a bit of a cry.

I am utterly pathetic. At least bulimics have the balls to throw it up after they binge. I just sat there getting fatter and poking the rolls of lard that cling to me.

The 2lb I put on over Christmas suddenly feels like I have put on all the weight I have lost. My friend says I have a certain amount of body dysmorphia. I have always hated myself and was learning to be happier and to take control and now it feels like it has all gone to hell. I'm going to be so ashamed when I stand on the scales of doom on Thursday.

I am Megan. I am enormous.