Really Down

I don't mean to moan. I'm not that way inclined. I prefer to be happy and bubbly and full of the joys of life. However, since Christmas I have been finding it really difficult to pull myself through. My diet has gone to pot and I am sad and lonely.

Last night was dance class. For one reason or another I have not attended dance since the week before my holiday. Two separate people mentioned that I had lost weight, and that felt good. REALLY good. But then my friend mentioned that she was starting slimming world on Thursday this week. This friend is a bit of a jelly-fisher and despite the fact that she is a good friend, I have always had issues about the way I look which are a direct result of comments that she tends to make. Although my other friends tell me that our sizes and shapes are not comparable, I cannot help but compare myself to her. Obsessively.

She is overweight, but is a lot shorter than me and has enormous boobs. I have always compared the size of mine to the size of hers. I have always thought of myself as bigger than her or the same size as her. Being on this diet and noticing for the first time that I actually have some good points which she does not, had a huge impact on my self-confidence to the extent that I was happy to be stood in my underwear in front of her.

As soon as she said that she was joining slimming world I physically felt myself crawl back under my rock. Immediate thoughts were that she was going to be the same size as me again. Maybe even smaller. I am not proud to say that I resented her for taking something that was mine. It's different with my other friend. She is so supportive and I have never compared our bodies because I have never been lean and trim like her. But this girl seems to take delight in making me feel rubbish. I am a grown woman and I was physically shaking by the time I got home.

And then...


I relapsed.


I ate and ate. I gorged on things I should definitely not have eaten.


I did it in private and hated myself every second.


I hid the evidence and had a bit of a cry.

I am utterly pathetic. At least bulimics have the balls to throw it up after they binge. I just sat there getting fatter and poking the rolls of lard that cling to me.

The 2lb I put on over Christmas suddenly feels like I have put on all the weight I have lost. My friend says I have a certain amount of body dysmorphia. I have always hated myself and was learning to be happier and to take control and now it feels like it has all gone to hell. I'm going to be so ashamed when I stand on the scales of doom on Thursday.

I am Megan. I am enormous.